The Untempered Schism: Archive

Why is it that I can only find the books I want in...

Maybe I should trade her my nook for her kindle.

Dec 1st

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Dec 1st

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Twilight Books Summary

— Book 1. Twilight: 
Edward: Hey.
Bella: OMG, I'm so silly. And horny.
Edward: Yes. I'm dangerous. I sparkle.
Bella: OMG you're a vampire!
Edward: Yes. Let's go play baseball.
James: I like your girl, Edward. Gotta eat her.
Edward: Roar.
James: Omnomnom Bella.
Bella: OMG I'm screaming in agony! Yes, I will be a vampire!
Edward: I'm gonna kill you, James! I'm gonna suck Bella as well. LOLJK you're not a vamp.
Jacob: Oh, hi there!
— Book 2. New Moon: 
Edward: Oops, gotta go.
Bella: OMG don't leave me! OMG I'm so depressed and dying in agony again.
Jacob: Oh hi there! I'm a semi-naked shape-shifter! (I mean, a werewolf!)
Bella: OMG I don't miss Edward anymore, I love you Jake! 
Alice: Edward is gonna kill himself!
Bella: OMG no! BRB Jake, you're not important anymore.
Edward: I'm going to do the worst ever. I will sparkle Italians to death.
Volturi: You suck.
Bella: OMG leave him alone!
Volturi: OK, leave now bitches.
Jacob: I love you, Bella.
Bella: OMG I love Edward more, bye!
— Book 3. Eclipse: 
Victoria: I'm back, bitch! I'ma cut you!
Bella: OMG no!
Edward: I'ma protect you, dinner! (I mean, Bella)
Jacob: I want to kill her too!
Riley: I will kill you!
Bella: OMG I'm frozen!
Edward: Shit I'm so cold and can't get you hot.
Jacob: Move on bitch, I will warm this whore.
Victoria: You missed me bitches?
Edward: I killed James, you twat! Now you're dead!
Bella: OMG kiss me Jake! Kay, gotta go I'm marrying Edward.
— Book 4. Breaking Dawn: 
Edward: I don't want to fuck you, Bella. Marry me first.
Bella: OMG shit, okay.
Jacob: My heart is broken!
Bella: OMG and so is my water! I've been prego for 3 days and now my baby is ready to go!
Edward: Oh no, a monster!
Renesmee: I'ma kill you, mom :3
Volturi: We're gonna kill that bitch, she's a monster.
Bella: OMG finally I'm a vampire! I'ma protect ma man and ma family and some other random bitches.
Volturi: Fine, you won.
Jacob: Bella I never loved you. I wanna fuck your daughter.

Nov 30th

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Nov 30th

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Nov 30th

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Alright, back I go to studying for my final

Nov 30th

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The entire synopsis of Breaking Dawn Pt 1...

 everything is so awkward and forced
 oh god 
 sexy time
 they are taking turns eyeing the bed
 they are going skinny dipping
 I think the presex montage just happened
 she like...shaved her legs and shit
 who doesn't do that before they leave for their honeymoon?!
 come ON
 oh jesus
 BROKEN HEADBOARD
 HAHA
 we are halfway through this film and NOTHING HAS HAPPENED
 they got married and had sex
 literally not a thing else
 they're now playing chess
 fucking hell
 she keeps trying to seduce him and he's laughing at her WORST MARRIAGE
 oooh playing chess again!
 AND AGAIN
 they just had a montage of their honeymoon and all that happened is thye played a lot of chess, she tried to fuck him and he ran away
 oh god she's begging now
 this is honestly awkward softcore porn
 and now she's vomiting into the toilet
 gross
 god seriously
 nothing happens in this god
 it's just a bunch of shitty subplots
 the wolves are so shit
 shit
 lsbgksdg
 THIS IS SO BAD
 weird ass telepathic wolf pow wow shit
 I don't even know what's going on
 THE FETUS ISN'T COMPATIBLE
 I'm really glad that in Twilight world, they make skinny jeans that fit over evil fetus baby bumps
 oh god Bella's drinking blood
 I'm taking a shot
 the cup says FREE REFILLS ON IT
 Bella just chose "renesmee" for the baby's name and this child will be beat up for the rest of it's life
 OH MY GOD SHE IS GIVING BIRTH WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
 "GET HIM OUT OF ME"
 loads of screaming and flashing and she looks like a skeleton
 aaaand Edward ripped open her stomach with his mouth
 YUP GOOD
 the baby is a bloody mess and they just called it beautiful. I mean, I don't really do babies, but like...I'm pretty sure that just looks like meat
 there is just blood everywhere and edward just stabbed her in the heart with his venom and what the HELL
 Bella seems to have died, but Edward is just biting her everywhere and OH HOLY GOD IT'S SCIENCE
 HER BLOOD IS FREEZING
 the worst thing? Kristen Stewart's face hasn't changed.
 she just gave birth and then died
 without a flicker of emotion
 Jacob has just seen the baby and he's in lo0o0o0ove
 this is the creepiest scene ever
 he just fell to his knees in front of a baby
 I just want to be a fly on the wall during this filming
 uh oh vampire v wolf death match
 oh jk rules and shit
 wolf can't harm future lovers of other wolves
 so much for bros before hoes, shit
 meanwhile, Bella is serving her purpose well. laying on a table with the occasional SCIENCE into her body
 she's becoming a vampire, which apparently includes permanent eyeshadow. so, that makes life easier.
 you know how on tumblr, they have those picture sequences where it slowly gets closer to someones face?
 that was just an actual shot in Breaking Dawn
 jacob, Jacob, JACOB
 AND THEN HAWT VAMPY BELLA OPENED HER EYES WITH MIRACULOUSLY NEWLY LONG EYELASHES AND THE FILM ENDED
 TO CHEERS
 I require the last two hours of my life back
 who do I go for for that

Nov 30th

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Nov 29th

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I know what I want for Christmas:

kelsthericeball: kelseysnap: fundamentallyfascinating: Doctor Who Cell Phone Alert Charms Spins and lights up when you get a call Works even when on silent TARDIS, Dalek, and Cybermen versions available Gimme gimme gimme!!! Oh hey it’s the ReTARDIS, Sir Dan!

Nov 29th

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Watch

eatyourkimchi: Best new way to sweep: MANLY STYLE. FYI, the song is from here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCYOTV92rpE

Nov 29th

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Nov 29th

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Nov 29th

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iamsirdan replied to your photo: Came home to Christmas :D (Taken with instagram) One of the boxes isn’t smiling, though. D: I know. I tried to turn it around but that box didn’t have one. :(

Nov 29th

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Nov 29th

Watch

psychusa: William Shatner in an ALL NEW Psych this Wednesday! …smooth.

Nov 29th

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Nov 28th

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Nov 28th

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Nov 28th

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Nov 28th

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1 year Tumblrversary

One year ago today I made my tumblr, with absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing. Within a year i’ve gained 1 addiction, 75 blogs to follow, 126 followers (Which I still don’t know what they are doing following me), 136 likes, made 496 gifs, 3621 posts, reblogs and rants; and countless new fandoms to belong to. Here’s to many more years of nonsense to reblog

Nov 28th